A couple of years ago this guy revealed to his wife that he was a transvestite fetishist. Now, in 2014, he’s going to have a fetishistic fuck-hole carved out of him. I’m not going to link to his page because I don’t mean to heckle him – these excerpts from his blog are just a profoundly disturbing example of how in this day and age, a man’s garden variety autogynephilia — which might have been addressed through meditation, counseling, prayer, or other approaches – or perhaps even just been maintained privately, without trying to “drag” his wife into it – can rapidly escalate and go completely haywire. It’s obvious that the man has now become quite bonkers, with the collaboration of his therapist and his doctor. Too bad for his FAMILY, whom he professes to love so much – no, “becoming Rachel” is really the only thing in life that matters. Very sad situation.
I came out to my wife of 20 years less than a month ago. Seeking to end the guilt, shame and the ever-present fear of discovery I told her everything. She was not extremely surprised but I could see the shock of realization in her eyes. The realization that “My husband isn’t really my husband any more”. There were tears at that moment. Mine and hers. We decided to work this out together.
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Since coming out, I vowed to keep our marriage intact. I am first and foremost, her loving husband and lifelong friend. Second, I am a father to my 3 kids. Third, I am a relatively cute woman who can walk in 4″ stiletto heels better than my wife.
My wife had already picked up on some not too subtle clues I had been dropping. My taking to wearing panties for the last few years was a big one. It started out as a dare when she wouldn’t wear a pair I bought for her one Christmas. To my surprise, I loved them. I started under dressing every day since. Then came the thigh high nylons (hint to new CD’s, pantyhose suck if you are wearing pants and have to use the men’s room). It was then I started to hide my purchases. Putting them on in secret and loving every silky second of it. Shoes were next. Oh, the lure of high-heeled pumps. By the time I had graduated to buying my first skirt, things were spiraling out of control.
“Is this just a phase?” “Some strange fetish?” New thoughts were spinning in my head. The big one for most ‘straight’ crossdressers is “Am I gay”? I am not. However, when I put on the skirt I felt something powerfully feminine inside me. I felt a sense of happiness and completeness that had been missing. I cried tears of joy and of fear. Fear that I was losing myself to something I could not understand. She is Rachel.
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I no longer fear transition nor do I expect to (at least not in the traditional sense, more on this some other time). Being honest with myself I cannot discount transition in my future. As I explore myself and the world as Rachel my sense of self is evolving. I still enjoy living life as both male and female. As long as I am happy an loved I can live like this forever. Still there could come a day where I might find that becoming Rachel fully is who I really am. I will not fear that day but I also might not embrace it. I still think that I have more to lose transitioning that I would gain. Only time can tell.
Today is my two month anniversary of coming out. It is also my 60th day of World of Warcraft sobriety. I used to be asked why all my characters were female. My response was “who wants to stare at a guy’s butt for hours and hours a day”. Well I think the real answer is obvious by now. Thanks to WoW I was able to be female in a safe and fun environment. Virtual worlds can be a really good way to begin exploring your transgendered self. A number of players actually thought i was a girl in real life. Unfortunately, it became an addiction. I was spending the time hiding from my family, friends and responsibilities. A virtual closet where I could hide away just like I hid my trans self.
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It’s been about 9 months since I first started shaving my legs. Nylons look awful with leg hair and i love the smooth feeling. My wife couldn’t understand why I would bother but she didn’t seem to mind after a while. At that time she didn’t know i was wearing thigh highs almost every day under my work clothes. Recently my arm hair has been bothering me since I have a beautiful slinky black dress that is sleeveless. I don’t have ‘gorilla’ arms but the hair I had is definately not attractive in that outfit. I do have a couple of other tops that benefit from hairless arms too. Because of my wife’s negative reaction to my removing my mustache I told her what I was considering and she just said it was my choice. Well I’m nearly hairless now and I’m starting to really see myself with a more feminine body. I never cared much about my appearance except keeping clean and not looking messy. In fact now I am getting a little vain. I wonder about a little tuck around the eyes or maybe a bit of FFS (facial feminizing surgery). Maybe a bit of electrolysis or laser hair removal. Even hormone treatment has it’s allure with softer skin, some breast growth, and a little softening in the face and other areas.
At this point I have to step back and really look at myself. I haven’t even experienced being Rachel as a complete person yet. I dabble in clothes and makeup but I’m nowhere near ready to step out into the world en femme. I have to ask myself what is my goal. Is is to be happy being a woman sometimes? Or is that happiness only going to come through a full transformation? Now I come back to the transition question. Will that ultimately make me truly happy? Maybe, but I know several people that would be unhappy with that choice. Me being one of them.
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I get turned on seeing myself en femme. I get turned on by woman’s clothing in general. I don’t consider this a fetishistic act because I don’t crossdress just for the sexual kick of it. I do it to feel good, to feel feminine and to express that side of myself as a woman. However, the sexual charge I get has diminished slightly. It changes to more of a warmth and comfortable feeling the longer I stay female. More like the afterglow of orgasm.
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[My wife] said “The less I think about it the better.” she also said something to the effect that it is always in her face. I have tried very hard to tone things down. I mostly underdress which includes my favorite footless tights. She hasn’t seen me in anything else for weeks. I haven’t even dressed for almost two weeks. (The pressure is building too). I even skipped my support group meeting to spend last Friday night with her. I don’t see how this is going to play out. I’m starting to go back to that dark place where depression is just waiting to take me again. My heart sinks every time that I hear that another couple has found a way to live with and even enjoy their husband’s crossdressing. I keep asking “why not me?”. I know this is selfish and I can’t help it. I don’t know what I’ll do if we can’t work through this. I’ve always said I want to keep the marriage intact. I love my wife with all my heart and I couldn’t bear to live the rest of my life without her. But my trans feelings are not going away. In fact they get stronger everyday. I’m definitely a happier person the more I get in touch with these feelings and I can’t see supressing them again. Suicide is not an option and never was. Neither is divorce. I can’t even stand the thought of living apart without breaking down in tears. I just don’t know right now.
I went to see my therapist again after almost a month since my last appointment. We discussed the possibility that I was transexual and not simply a crossdresser. Her assessment was that I have been naturally transitioning since our last meeting. She saw a much more feminine change in me than I was aware of. My speech and mannerisms changed the more comfortable I became. By the time we were almost halfway through the session I was more Rachel emotionally and personality wise than ever. I had to come to terms that even without hormones, clothes, and makeup I am becoming a woman. But surprisingly I still retain enough of my male self to bounce back and forth with relative ease. This has a tendency to make things confusing at times. I think this is probably the biggest problem in my relationship with my wife. I can flip flop in a single conversation without my even noticing it. But she does and it reinforces the perception that the man she is talking to is becoming less and less the husband he once was.
>>>LATER: November 2013<<<
It’s been almost three years since I felt the need to put my words and experiences down on electronic paper. Over two years of that time I have been able to be myself most of the time. Well, mostly at work. Home time is getting better. Also, I have been on HRT for a year now.
I am starting to realize how much of my life is just normal. I don’t obsess over the ‘girly’ things as much. I got descent at doing makeup, but hardly wear any at all nowadays. Nylons used to be a joy to wear, now they are another piece of clothing I put on when necessary. I have dozens of pairs of earrings, most of the time I wear titanium studs.
I am pretty much unable to do ‘guy’ anymore. I don’t put much effort into it actually. At work I am very femme. At home I am more butch. When I am in public I rarely get gendered male if at all. Even if I try, I get ma’am and ms. My son called me dad in front of a cashier (she was paying attention) she still said “here is your receipt ma’am”.
This week the governor of my birth state New Jersey proved he is an asshole and a transphobe. A bill to remove the surgery requirement for transgender people looking to change their birth certificate was vetoed by Governor Christie. I was in a rage when I found out. I have the opportunity to get my surgery but there are many that can’t. There are also trans children whose only form of ID is their birth certificate. These children are too young to have gender affirming surgery. The veto of this bill means these children could be subject to discrimination and loss of their privacy. This is why the bill should have been signed. Chris Christie’s ignorance of trans issues and unfounded fears over abuse and fraud just cement his reputation as an asshole and enemy of LGBTQI New Jersey residents.
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This past Wednesday I took another step forward in my life. I saw my therapist that morning and finally asked for the letter that was offered to me months ago. He brought up the previous letter and updated it. Then he filled out the contract for GRS surgery and asked me several questions relating to informed consent. I answered, then he handed me the contract which I initialed and we both signed. Done. Maybe twenty minutes top and my life had changed dramatically again.
Since starting my transition I was pretty clear that I didn’t need surgery to live my life. I still don’t ‘need’ it. My wife asked me at the beginning “So this means you want THE surgery?” I said not now, maybe not ever, but there may come a time when I DO want it. She cried hard that night. Not since her parents passed away had she cried so much. It broke my heart.
In the two and a half years since that night my transition has gone very well. I work full time as a woman, I have come out to my family, and I no longer try to hide who I am. Recently a sense of wrongness about my body has been building. My dysphoria has increased and I see no signs of it abating. What it comes down to is I ‘want’ GRS for myself. I thought I could push it aside. I can’t anymore. I didn’t even realize how much in denial I was until my therapist handed me the bright pink folder (coincidence) that held my copies of the paperwork. I went to shake his hand and say thank you. But I was overcome and hugged him fiercely. I thanked him while on the verge of tears. He quietly and calmly said into my ear “Don’t thank me Rachel, you have earned this”.
Whatever happens in this next year I can handle it. This could even be the final step that ends my marriage. I may have to prepare for that possibility. One thing is certain; I finally believe in my heart I have earned this.